Rating: MA
Pairing: J/C
Summary: Chakotay lost is 'Angel'...
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 1114 words
Date: July 2008

Chakotay remembered the day as if it was only yesterday. There was no reason for her to do something like that, well he didn't think there was anyway, until he had gotten the message from the doctor.

He had walked into her quarters when she hadn't showed up for duty that morning and he had discovered her hanging from a wire from the light fixture in the ceiling. He had rushed up to her and attmpted to rescue her, but to no avail.

The Captain of Voyager was gone from this life at her own hand.

He walked into the sickbay and saw Kathryn's face, marred by blue colouring, and her porcelain skin around her neck marked with ugly blue and purple bruises.

He had stared at the doctor, "Why did she do this?"

The doctor shook his head and refused to speak. He grabbed the holographic doctor by the front of shirt and yelled, "Why did she do this? Wasn't I good enough for her?"

The doctor looked at the Commander through forlorn eyes, "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry, you have no idea the real meaning of those words. I need to know why she did this."

The doctor sighed, "Think about what's happened in the past little while on this ship."

Chakotay shook his head. "I don't understand."

The doctor covered the Captain's face, after closing her dead eyes and shook his head in sadness. "If you look, you'll figure it out."

That was six days ago, and he had used the last almost week to try and figure out why Kathryn would do something like this. He loved her, he'd committed himself to her, and they'd been married two months ago on a planet called Alla, not two days after discovering of B'Elanna's pregnancy.

He'd thought that Kathryn had finally given up on sequestering herself to lonliness and the isolation of command.

Kathryn and Chakotay had both had their boosters neutralized and if a baby was in their future a baby was in their future, but they wouldn't push it or ignore it: if it happened it happened.

Then they had ended up on Quarra, and their perfect lives had been disrupted.

When they had returned, Chakotay had believed that everything was okay, he had believed that Kathryn had recouperated fine from everything.

Apparently she had not.

In her will she had left everything to him.

He had slowly gotten up the courage to look into her personal logs, which now belonged to him, as did the ship's logs seeing as he was now the Captain.

He shed a tear as he read Kathryn's personal log the day she had been returned to Voyager from Quarra.

Captain's personal log, stardate 54622.4.

I was returned today from Quarra to discover that I had a husband and I was the Captain of a ship called Voyager. Quarra had seemed so real, Jaffin had felt like the love of my life. I look at Chakotay and I know why I found him so attractive, the tan skin, the dark hair and the dimples. I'm sure I will slowly return to my life on Voyager, but it might take a while.

I loved Jaffin...

Or I thought I did anyway.

Chakotay put the padd. down and stared at her face: so full of confusion, but at the same time understanding as well.

He sighed and went on to the next entry.

Captain's personal log, stardate 54782.5

I have slowly become the Captain again. I have slowly learned the responsibility of living with the lives of the crew on my shoulders.

Slowly I wonder why I ever wanted this responsibility in the first place. But the crew loves me, they care for me deeply: and Chakotay is my soul mate.

I know why I love him, always making my life easier, trying to lighten my burdens: and the sex, the sex is incredible.

He watched Kathryn smile at him across time and death; and he knew why he had fallen in love with her.

Captain's log, stardate 55134.6

I went to the doctor today, it was time for my annual check-up. Everything had seemed fine, and then the doctor had told me I was pregnant. I was elated, I was going to complete mine and Chaktoay's lives.

Then the doctor had stated that it wasn't Chakotay's baby girl, but rather Jaffin's.

I shook my head and walked out of sickbay in a state of shock.

I went to my quarters and got ready for bed, my hand instintively going to my belly where I knew a child rested.

Chakotay saw the pleading look on Kathryn's face, and touched the porcelain perfection.

Chakotay saw the 'I'm sorry's in her eyes'; and he saw the indecision.

This log entry was made just moments before she had made the final action that had ended her life.

When he was done reading the tell-all logs of Kathryn's last few months, he got to the note that was left for him at the place of her death.

He opened the note and looked as Kathryn's tear-stained face showed itself on the monitor.

Dear Chakotay,

Always know that I love you more than life itself. You were my staple, you were the other half of my soul and you were the love of my life.

I'm sorry that you had to find my body to get this note, but I tried to tell and show you every day in every way.

I love you Chakotay, never forget that.

I will see you in the next life, hopefully in a happier place than the one I left.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't raise Jaffin's baby and I don't think you could either: and my morals would not allow me to force an abortion.

Remember always Chakotay, that I loved you, and I wish this baby had've been yours.

Always and forever,

Kathryn.

Chakotay watched her raise her hands to her lips and kiss them before touching the screen in front of him.

"Oh Kathryn, you could have told me we could have dealt with this together." He cried and the moment was stopped by the words, "Captain to the bridge."

And he realized that it would never again be Kathryn who was responding to those words, and he realized...that he would never love anyone like her again.

The sadness had brought the realization that the months that he had had joined in life to Kathryn Janeway were worth everything.

And he would never love like that again.

And for that reason he knew he would see her in the next life.

THE END